That’s ok, though, as this made it clear that they need a change. It’s a good thing that the Canucks have a General Manager that understands when it’s time to hit reset. Unfortunately, that GM is the guy who almost single handedly caused this need by following his motto, “make as many trades with Florida as possible, except when you have a franchise goaltender who can actually get you something back in return.”

So I turned my attention to another team I’m very fond of, Montreal. Bad choice. By the end of the series the Canadiens were beaten down worse than Chris Brown’s eHarmony matches. Fine, no big deal. I really like Ottawa, so I’m not disappointed to see them continue on.

Enter the Toronto Maple Leafs. Like many, I didn’t have a great deal of confidence in  the Leafs heading into their series with Boston, and after the first 4 games, I thought I was right, even if I really wanted to see Boston lose. Why did I want the Bruins to lose? Simple: because I’m a Canucks fan, and hating the Bruins is now an important part of my every day routine. Instead of coffee, I simply read stories about Brad Marchand, and the rage energizes me for the day. But down 3-1 in the series, my hope to see the Bruins fail seemed slimmer than ever.

Then something weird happened. The Leafs started playing a little better. Each morning I’d check SportsCentre, expecting to see them eliminated, and would be surprised that they stayed alive. So I started to pay attention.

Sorry, Leaf nation. My bad.

I finally decide to watch a Boston/Toronto game tonight, and really only start getting excited when they’re up 4-1 in the third. Could it be? Should I really risk having hope? I decided to go for it, and almost immediately, the tides changed.

I’m the ultimate jinx. If I started rooting for something like AIDS, we’d have a cure in a week. “I think Justin Bieber is talented and I hope he has a long career.” Boom, world peace in a month. I’m pretty sure that in a previous life I wrote an optimistic article about a behemoth vessel that would revolutionize global travel known as the Titanic.

I’m sorry, Leafs fans. This one’s on me.

Still, there’s a chance that some excitement may take place. The New York Islanders have a strong history of making something ridiculous happen, and there are still a few big names left, so it’s possible that we may have some exciting or unexpected stories. In an ideal world, we’d have lots to keep us interested; here are a few headlines that most of us would like to see tomorrow.

Roberto Luongo Traded to… Someone

Or Cory Schneider. Or both. Anything to end this anti-climactic so-called “drama.” Mike Gillis says that he is in discussions with four teams about Luongo, which likely means the Leafs and three teams he’s making up to make it seem like he’s not desperate. Apparently there’s more interest and possibly more value in Schneider, which, if the Canucks are receptive to that idea, means that the probability of something happening is greatly increased. If either goalie is traded, two teams will certainly change dramatically. If not, we can look forward to more of the always mature and eloquent “number one and number two” bathroom humour jokes that apparently none of us are above.

Maple Leafs Pick Up Veteran Goalie

The playoffs are always more exciting with the Toronto Maple Leafs in them, and it seems that a veteran goaltender could shore up that possibility. The Leafs currently are in playoff position, but it would be great to watch them add something fairly significant that could help them stick around in the post-season. Sure, we’ll miss making jokes about the Leafs going golfing early, but it will be worth it to see Toronto stick around a little longer.

Jay Bouwmeester Gets a Haircut

Seriously, dude, you’re making over $6 million a year, there’s no need to go to use a community college student.

Gary Bettman Trades the Phoenix Coyotes…

…to someone who will finally move them to a market that matters and can be successful. Remember when a hockey-mad Canadian billionaire wanted to buy the team and move them to one of the most populated markets in Canada? I do.

What would you like to see happen tomorrow? Will Luongo go anywhere? Am I being too harsh on Bouwmeester’s hair. You don’t have to answer that third one, because no, I’m not. Comment or Tweet, as per usual.

Even still, hardcore hockey fans will be glued to their TVs and Twitter feeds in order to get the latest trade rumours and updates as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be difficult to know who to trust when it comes to legitimate news, as anyone with a computer and spare time can start a website and pretend that they know what they’re talking about (yes, I understand the irony, move on). To help, I’ve created a short guide to let you know who to be listening to and who to ignore.

Who To Follow

Bob McKenzie: The Perez Hilton of hockey, TSN’s Hockey Insider is probably the most well connected hockey journalist out there. McKenzie has the inside scoop on most hockey gossip out there, almost to the point where you shouldn’t trust a rumour until he has confirmed it. So, I guess that he would be the TMZ of hockey, not the Perez Hilton of hockey… whatever, he’s the something of hockey.

Darren Dreger: Another of TSN’s hockey gurus, Dreger is a trusted source for talks between teams. He’s also one of the, um, “better looking” insiders?

Jay Onrait and Down Goes Brown: These two may not be the best for rumours and breaking news, but they’re certainly worth a look, especially if the deadline proves to be another dud.

Who Not To Follow

eklund: The self-promoted blogger is all about vague headlines that lead to articles that usually only contain “stay tuned for something big,” in the hopes that you’ll come back later and check it out. For someone who frequently feels the need to state that he just puts out whatever he hears from sources, he’s usually incredibly vague. Don’t waste your time.

Bleacher Report: Just because someone writes a rumour article on Bleacher Report and it receives a lot of views does not mean that they have any credibility. Seriously, anyone can blog for Bleacher Report and be featured prominently, and usually their articles are lists like “Teams That Must Make Deadline Deals” where a random fan lists 4 teams that he thinks might possibly consider maybe making a trade for 3 players that he once traded for on his Xbox career mode.

Me: I’ll just be following trusted sources on Twitter and, I’ll be honest, possibly attempting to convince my friends who are too busy to follow the deadline closely that ridiculous deals have happened.

Who do you trust for your NHL trade rumours? What ridiculous trades do you think I should make up and tell my friends? Comment or Tweet me using the new-fangled Twitter account made just for Longhanded! It’s a big deal, they don’t just let anyone have a Twitter account, you know.

Saturday, February 16th: Facing the Colorado Avalanche, Nail Yakupov will celebrate getting an assist on an empty-net goal with an extravagant fireworks display and a performance by Avril Lavigne, because she’s probably inexpensive enough at this point.

Wednesday, February 27th: Gary Bettman will have a dream that the Phoenix Coyotes defeat the Atlanta Thrashers for the Stanley Cup and will wake up repeating to himself, “see, Gary! It all worked out! Everyone respects your leadership.”

Friday, March 1st: Alain Vigneault will finally snap when a reporter asks him which goalie will start the next game, and will, out of spite, put Cam Barker in net. Barker will earn a shutout victory, cementing his status as the best worst first round draft bust of all time.

Saturday, March 23rd: After playing the Toronto Maple Leafs, Brad Marchand will come to the realization that he is an incredibly privileged, rich individual with more to his name than most, and will make a stop at a local soup kitchen in order to ask them for directions to the nearest night club that offers bottle service.

Wednesday, April 3rd: The NHL Trade Deadline will, as usual, be less exciting than everyone expects. Highlights will include:

• The New York Islanders will trade for 4 more goalies, and Garth Snow will insist that he is not going insane, simply “building from the net out.” He will then consult a sock named Mr. Woolface, who is apparently his Assistant GM.
• Brian Burke, who will provide trade analysis for TSN, will ridicule every single trade that takes place while placing Pierre McGuire in a headlock for 3 hours on live TV.
• Jay Onrait will add Bailey’s to his coffee during his annual Trade Deadline Blog, bringing its level of hilarity to levels previously thought impossible.

Saturday, April 13th: Don Cherry will wear a bland, conservative suit while commenting on the skill and poise of a number of Russian and French Canadian players around the league during what will be recognized as one of the darkest moments in Canadian history.

Saturday, April 27th: 13 games will be played in the last day of the regular season, causing an intern at Hockey Night in Canada to be brought to a mental health facility after being forced to listen to PJ Stock attempt to provide insight and analysis on so many games.

Early May: The NHL playoffs will begin, and fans everywhere will say how hopeful they are that the games are not as violent as they were during last year’s first round. They will then complain that players have gone “soft” and become reminiscent of “old-time hockey” before switching channels to watch the UFC.

Thursday, May 23rd: An annoyed wife will tell her husband that she “can’t wait for hockey to end already,” causing a small rift between them that will slowly grow until they just can’t seem to continue together any longer. She gets the car, he gets the dog.

Late June: The tradition of booing Gary Bettman as he presents the Stanley Cup will continue, causing Bettman to finally have an emotional breakdown. Bettman will run around the ice surface screaming “I DID MY BEST!” while a cameraman presents the Cup to… I dunno, Columbus.

Have any other predictions? Comment or Tweet. Also, share buttons have finally been added, so feel free to click one of the buttons below and make me so happy.

Sure, there are many players in the league fans hate; agitators, cheap-shot artists, frequent divers, guys who celebrate too much, etc. They may be frustrating, but only because of their style of play. Douchebags, however, don’t stop at annoying us on the ice. They take all the qualities we hate about them and proudly flaunt them in the real world, like peacocks in Ed Hardy t-shirts and slightly askew baseball hats with straight brims.

We may expect some professional athletes to let the fame and fortune to get to their head a little bit, but some players are simply too douchey to not be recognized for their efforts. Therefore, after minutes of research, I give you the inaugural Popped Collar Jersey Award in recognition of the douchiest player in the NHL today.

Honourable Mentions

Patrick Kane

You would think that the negative attention he received from his drunken attack on a cab driver over 20 cents would make Patrick Kane slightly more careful when it comes to his public image. Unfortunately for bartenders, partiers, and girls everywhere, this is not the case. Last year, Deadspin reconstructed a weekend Patty spent boozing it up. Some highlights: anti-Semitic remarks, choking a girl, and getting kicked out of pretty much everywhere.

Evander Kane

During the lockout, when players and owners were depriving fans of hockey because each side wanted more money, Evander Kane decided it would be a good idea to Tweet a picture of himself holding huge wads of cash on a rooftop balcony in Vegas. Pretty bold move for someone who has been accused of skipping out on restaurant bills and, more recently, charging for autographs and skipping out on grocery bills.

Nice hair though.

Patrick and Evander Kane (who will hereby be referred to by me as “The Douche Twins”) certainly made a good run for the Popped Collar Jersey Award, however their efforts were trumped by someone who has been hated by hockey fans since his days in the CHL. The Popped Collar Jersey Award easily goes to…

This Douche

Brad Marchand is easily the dirtiest of our three candidates on the ice, and his jackassery off the ice is of legendary status. Marchand has allegedly been kicked out of bars in his hometown of Halifax, Nova Scotia a few times, and apparently caused quite a disturbance after the Bruins’ 2011 Stanley Cup win by urinating on a craps table at Foxwoods Casino, punching a security guard, and walking back to his room naked while exclaiming that he was “above the law.”  He was even too drunk to appear in the Bruins’ Stanley Cup DVD. Nice one, Brad.

These three players are certainly talented, but clearly need attitude adjustments.

Am I wrong with these three? Who would you add to the list? Are there any bars that Brad Marchand hasn’t pissed in that you would recommend? Tweet or comment.

Unfortunately, their marketing team should have spent more time choosing a spokesman.

PK Subban is featured in a recent video promoting the program and recalls how dedicated he was to the sport as a child:

“Like a lot of kids, I lived for hockey. All I wanted was to get in the game and play every minute of every day.”

Really, PK? All you wanted was to get in the game and play? Perhaps you can explain to us why you are holding out on your team as you await a contract that is worth the millions of dollars you feel you deserve, not the millions of dollars you’re being offered.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that players want to make the amount of money they feel that they are valued, but to talk about your love of the game and simply wanting to play while you simultaneously watch your team on TV as you sit back and wait for your agent to deliver a contract that is up to your standards is quite hypocritical.

This move would be similar to hiring Manti Te’o to do an eHarmony commercial, or Brad Marchand to represent… I don’t know, Mensa.

Am I being too harsh on PK? Tweet, comment, etc.

Poor Scott Gomez. Ok, maybe not  poor as he’ll still be getting paid his gargantuan salary without having to play hockey for it, but he must be feeling pretty bad after being told to stay home until he can be bought out this summer  by  Montreal Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin. Perhaps this can be viewed as a positive for Gomez; there’s always a chance another team will pick him up for a year after he is bought out, perhaps even longer (who knows, the Islanders still have a backup goalie as their GM, maybe he’ll offer another ridiculous contract) and a change of scenery might not be a bad idea for a player who was once quite productive.

Unfortunately, that will have to wait for Gomez. The Habs want to wait to buy him out until they can do so this summer so that his salary doesn’t count against the cap, so until then Gomez will have to relax and find another way to pass the time.

So what should Gomez do from now until then? Here are a few options that would be perfect for him.

Abstinence Advocate

Who better to teach kids that you don’t need to score to be rich and famous?

Consultant to The New York Islanders

Not that they have an opening, but someone needs to teach them what contracts to avoid, why not someone with one of the worst (er, best, depending on how you look at it) contracts in the league?

Investor

With all that money lying around, Gomez should consider investing in a few projects. You know, stocks, bonds, small businesses, maybe, I dunno, a hockey website that was called “pretty good” by my mom. Just think about it, Scott, I’ll be here.

Writer for Jay Leno

Gomez has been known to be pretty funny, and absolutely anything would improve that monologue. Jay Leno is to comedy what Scott Gomez is to hockey.

Curler… Curling Pro… Someone Who Does Curling? Someone Who Curls? What Randy Ferbey Does.

People are saying that the game has simply gotten too fast for Scott Gomez, so maybe he should try something a little slower. Ok, a lot slower. Don’t get me wrong, curling is a fine sport but it’s as if someone looked at bowling and said, “whoa there, speed demon! Let’s knock this down a notch!”

Hockey Commentator

Gomez would likely be pretty entertaining, certainly more entertaining to watch than some commentators, and besides, he knows hockey pretty well. He used to know how to play it.

What else could Gomez be doing while he collects about $3 million for doing nothing? Comment, Tweet, text, or just show up at my house and yell at me like my ex did that one time.

It’s finally over. The frustratingly long and confusing NHL lockout is officially done as both sides agreed to a deal in principal to get hockey back where it belongs: on ice surfaces (sponsored by multi-million dollar corporations) and on TV (as part of huge contracts with major television networks.) Finally we will be able to see millionaires employed by billionaires compete against other millionaires employed by other billionaires. Their arduous journey has to come to and end; many can now return from their self-imposed exile to such places as Moscow, Zurich, or Berlin, while others can stop the frustrating ordeal of practicing for a few hours each day with fellow teammates before returning to their mansions. Finally.

There are many positives to the lockout ending. No longer will we have to listen to interviews featuring fourth-line grinders as they try and mumble through explanations of complicated matters such as escrow, hockey-related revenue, and the economic impact of losing half a season. We can also finally watch professional hockey without having to stream games from Europe with unintelligible commentary and video that looks like it was shot with a Motorola Razr. And of course, we can finally begin to get our dose of Pierre McGuire as he shouts that the reason Carey Price made that save was because he got in front of the puck.

Now that we can finally stop wondering what we would do if we were able to have Don Fehr and Gary Bettman alone in an unsupervised room, (I would make them watch Nicolas Cage movies until they snapped and agreed to resign immediately) we can actually talk about hockey. So what will this season look like? Here are some incredibly unimaginative predictions of what we are likely to see over the next few months.

Roberto Luongo Will Be Traded

The writing is on the wall that Luongo will be leaving the Canucks, but where will he end up? Florida? Toronto? A psychiatrist’s couch? There’s really no telling where Luongo will end up, but… ok, Toronto. He’ll be in Toronto.

The Columbus Blue Jackets Will Suck…

…but nobody will notice or care. They traded away the one person that made their games even remotely worth watching, which is probably not the best idea for a team that finished dead last a year ago. I predict that they will continue to fall in the standings to 31st overall, just barely being surpassed by the Timbits team that plays during the first intermission of some games. Sorry, Blue Jackets fans. If you’d like, I can clear out an hour tomorrow afternoon and apologize to all 34 of you individually.

Leafs Fans Will Continue to Have Unrealistic Expectations

“Seriously guys, they’re only a piece or two away from being a contender.” Unfortunately, those two pieces are “goaltending” and “better skaters.” I know that Phil Kessel is some sort of ginger God in Leaf nation, but let’s be honest, the playoffs are a distant dream for Toronto until Brian Burke pulls off some sort of miracle trade that saves his job.

American Talk Show Hosts Will Joke About Hockey’s Relevance

“Hockey is back? I didn’t even know it was gone!” That’s great, Jay Leno, now please go back to being unfunny and all-around unpleasant. Honestly, if he tells this joke during an upcoming monologue I may be forced to do something drastic, or at least question why I’m watching Jay Leno in the first place.

Everyone Will Question Whether Sidney Crosby is Back to His Old Self

It will probably take him doing something incredible to prove that he’s fine. Like scoring a goal from the concession stand while ordering a hot dog, or teach Brooks Orpik how to do long division.

Think the Leafs will be better than I say, or that the Blue Jackets have a shot at the President’s Trophy? I’d suggest seeking professional help if you agree with the latter, but feel free to leave a comment or Tweet me. Please. I get so lonely.

Anyway, it seems that fans could again be without hockey for a lengthy period of time. While this may have its upsides, like less listening to Mike Milbury and PJ Stock, for the most part, it’s bad, and may be tough getting through. Here are a few simple steps that should make this painful, unnecessary process a bit more bearable.

1. Accept the Inevitable

The lockout is happening, and it will likely last a while. Gary Bettman is not going to suddenly become reasonable and step up to save the day, the owners aren’t going to put the sport before their bottom line, and the players are unlikely to give up too much too quickly. Believing otherwise would just be torture, similar to the pain Leafs fans put themselves through each year when they feel optimistic about making the playoffs. Let’s face facts: your ex isn’t coming back to you, the third Batman movie wasn’t as good as the second, and we’re not seeing NHL hockey any time soon.

2. Find a New Source of Hockey

Does your hometown have an AHL team? Watch more of their games! Have a Junior team in the area? Check out hockey’s future stars! Have children? Pit them against each other in a violent sport for your own entertainment! At the end of the day, most of us probably identify as hockey fans, not NHL fans, and there’s plenty of good hockey out there to watch.

3. Try Hockey Video Games

Hockey video games are incredibly fun and could fill some of the void left from not having any NHL action to follow. They’re also incredibly realistic; after the right amount of beer, you may actually believe you’re watching a real game. So why not forget the painful reality that is the lockout and bury yourself in a false, digital existence.

Not a fan of the new-fangled consoles? Then why not go with the ultimate in classic hockey video games? You’re welcome.

Hopefully this helps combat the pain of losing months of hockey and being forced to interact with friends and family on Saturday nights. Any other suggestions? Tweet or comment. Or don’t, I’m totally used to it.