Moustaches and Soup Kitchens: Predicting the Rest of the 2013 Season

The shortened 2013 NHL season has brought a few surprises so far, like the struggles of the Washington Captials and Alexander Ovechkin, or Brad Marchand calling someone disrespectful, but for the most part, things seem to be getting back to around where we expected them. We’ve seen a lot of great goals, plays, saves, fights, and moustaches, and everyone seems to forget that a bunch of adults acting like entitled children nearly cost us this enjoyment. At this point, we should have a fairly good idea of where the season is going in general, so here are a few predictions for the rest of the NHL season.

Saturday, February 16th: Facing the Colorado Avalanche, Nail Yakupov will celebrate getting an assist on an empty-net goal with an extravagant fireworks display and a performance by Avril Lavigne, because she’s probably inexpensive enough at this point.

Wednesday, February 27th: Gary Bettman will have a dream that the Phoenix Coyotes defeat the Atlanta Thrashers for the Stanley Cup and will wake up repeating to himself, “see, Gary! It all worked out! Everyone respects your leadership.”

Friday, March 1st: Alain Vigneault will finally snap when a reporter asks him which goalie will start the next game, and will, out of spite, put Cam Barker in net. Barker will earn a shutout victory, cementing his status as the best worst first round draft bust of all time.

Saturday, March 23rd: After playing the Toronto Maple Leafs, Brad Marchand will come to the realization that he is an incredibly privileged, rich individual with more to his name than most, and will make a stop at a local soup kitchen in order to ask them for directions to the nearest night club that offers bottle service.

Wednesday, April 3rd: The NHL Trade Deadline will, as usual, be less exciting than everyone expects. Highlights will include:

  • The New York Islanders will trade for 4 more goalies, and Garth Snow will insist that he is not going insane, simply “building from the net out.” He will then consult a sock named Mr. Woolface, who is apparently his Assistant GM.
  • Brian Burke, who will provide trade analysis for TSN, will ridicule every single trade that takes place while placing Pierre McGuire in a headlock for 3 hours on live TV.
  • Jay Onrait will add Bailey’s to his coffee during his annual Trade Deadline Blog, bringing its level of hilarity to levels previously thought impossible.

Saturday, April 13th: Don Cherry will wear a bland, conservative suit while commenting on the skill and poise of a number of Russian and French Canadian players around the league during what will be recognized as one of the darkest moments in Canadian history.

Saturday, April 27th: 13 games will be played in the last day of the regular season, causing an intern at Hockey Night in Canada to be brought to a mental health facility after being forced to listen to PJ Stock attempt to provide insight and analysis on so many games.

Early May: The NHL playoffs will begin, and fans everywhere will say how hopeful they are that the games are not as violent as they were during last year’s first round. They will then complain that players have gone “soft” and become reminiscent of “old-time hockey” before switching channels to watch the UFC.

Thursday, May 23rd: An annoyed wife will tell her husband that she “can’t wait for hockey to end already,” causing a small rift between them that will slowly grow until they just can’t seem to continue together any longer. She gets the car, he gets the dog.

Late June: The tradition of booing Gary Bettman as he presents the Stanley Cup will continue, causing Bettman to finally have an emotional breakdown. Bettman will run around the ice surface screaming “I DID MY BEST!” while a cameraman presents the Cup to… I dunno, Columbus.

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This entry was posted by admin on Sunday, February 10th, 2013 at 6:48 PM and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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